end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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