Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
