I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
