Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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