What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
