Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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