the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
