i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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