No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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