Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
