The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
