The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
