she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
