so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
