Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
