I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
