i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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