dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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