we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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