I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
sex in a hospital.. check
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
