Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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