He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
