I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
