and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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