I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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