i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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