i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
