I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
