apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
