Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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