I hate your face
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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