the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
