I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
