Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
