Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
