awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
