You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
