fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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