I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
