his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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