you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
