I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
