plz talk dirty to me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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