the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
