Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
