remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I forget how to act sober
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
