I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
