hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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