I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
