You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
