I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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